Don’t Suffer in Silence…
One of the common things I hear from people is how they suffer in silence. They do this to be strong for those around them, but it ends up doing more harm than good. We all process things in different ways. I tend to get quiet and think things through a lot before I am ready to discuss them. I have to process the thoughts and emotions to try to figure out what is REALLY bothering me. It works for me but not always well.
This suffering in silence stems from a lot of things. For us Gen Xers, it is a product of our generation. When we grew up, no one cared, or at least that’s what we thought. So we just kept things to ourselves. We didn’t show emotions or talk about them. We just suffered through them until they exploded usually in an unproductive and sometimes destructive way.
But this is not a Gen X only issue. Many of us suffer in silence for different reasons. I can speak to this from the male perspective and a leader perspective, so if someone would like to share it from their perspective, please do. As men, we tend to think that we need to keep things in, so as not to make those around us suffer with us. It is done out of a protective instinct. There were times in my life when I was out of work due to layoff. During these times, I suffered in a lot of silence because I didn’t want my family to worry. This included my wife and my kids. We tend to say things like “I’ll figure it out,” and in our figuring things out, we feel alone. This often leads to suffering in silence rather than figuring out how can we approach this together.
We do it as leaders too. There is this old saying, “It is lonely at the top.” This comes from the idea that as the leader you have no one to share your problems with or to complain to but you take everyone else’s problems on and help them fix them. I remember reading something from John Maxwell that basically said if you’re lonely at the top, then you aren’t doing it right. As we have been discussing trust and communication in my Executive Leadership class in my DBA program, I finally understand this as a leader and as a man in general.
Communication builds trust, and trust builds communication. They work together to improve relationships and create high-performing teams and organizations. Sometimes that means sharing your vulnerabilities, problems, concerns, and feelings as a leader. We worry that this will lead to our teams not trusting us, but what it often does is give them the chance to step up and help allowing them to not only help you, which they hopefully want to do, but also to feel like they are part of the solution and not the problem. Our desire to protect them often leads to them feeling separated and like they are part of the problem. In other words, it makes things worse. This same principle applies to family.
A coach is someone who can help with this process as well. They can be someone to listen and provide support, ideas, and guidance through things. It is effective for anyone in leadership and a way to know that you are not alone in dealing with these things. Going back to the beginning about how I tend to sit and stew on things before I’m ready to discuss them with my followers or family, working with a coach in these situations can expedite this process and even give you ideas you never even thought of yourself. We aren’t therapists, so this isn’t about mental health so much as it is about helping you find a solution to take action.
